Hello to all quarters with red poppies stamped on them, laundry baskets from 1962, address book writers, and paper-mache sculptures.
Today a legion of bloodthirsty, inhumanly large, terrifying goblin boys will fight us, the noble Knights of centretown. We will meet in a vicious clash at a dumpy arena in the west end and a legendary battle will ensue, to be told down through the ages as the most horrible yet incredible war in the history of all fantasy novels and big-budget movies. This battle will be more exciting than when Russell Crowe beat the crap out of the gladiators, and blow Helms Deep right out of the water.
Erm, should I explain what’s actually going to happen? Okay. Don’t worry, no swords and axes and bloody blugeoning will be had– instead, the first place and second place teams in the lowly house league hockey association will play each other tonight, and I am honorably a part of the Knights. We’re actually called the Knights, believe it or not. The team we’re facing for the championship and the right to DRINK FROM THE PLASTIC CUP OF GLORY is a certain evil bunch of farm kids from the country, who are really goblin-boys in disguise. I, one of two girls on the favorable Knights, will play defense and guard our goalie from the wrath of the orcs that threaten our kingdom– (or something like that.) I will crush these goblin-creatures into the ice with my powerful knightly skills. Those poor boys won’t know what hit ’em, and the Cup (I’ve never seen it, but ah, tonight it shall be me who drinks the potion of glory from its depths), will be ours, in the hands of Good, the hands of the righteous Knights of Centretown.
Let me try to explain how important this spectacle will be. It’s as bad as letting the Empire triumph over the Rebels, and MUCH more important than the hordes of Sauroman destroying the elves and men and taking the Ring. If we are to lose tonight, it will be like Voldemort destroying Harry, that guy with the talking parrot in Aladdin taking over the city or whatever he was trying to do, and AT LEAST as bad as a major apocalypse or an alien invasion. We cannot lose. It will be the triumph of evil if we lose. We must win! Us noble knightly heroes will stick it to the goblin-team from the country.
If we do lose, expect hordes of goblins and fiery rain and Hell to open up in lava-spurting crevices all over the face of the planet. If that doesn’t happen, there’s a good chance we Knights have prevailed.
Yours nobly, truly, and honorably, A Knight of the We-Don’t-Have-A-Table-That’s-Too-Bad-Let’s-Get-One-Soon, Onceabasementdog.