The Waffle Thief

Thursday, May 31st, 2012

Hello to all fashion models modelling off the coast of Australia, squirrels running up trees, and old National Geographic magazines.

This is the tale of the Waffle Thief.

In a small town in the north, there was seen a boy. His name? Well, no one knows. Where he came from? No one knows that, either. Some say he wandered out of the woods, one stormy night, cloaked in darkness, with his eyes glinting maliciously as he stood at the edge of town– looking. Only looking. For what? Well– I’ll get to that.

It was nineteen ninety-nine. It was a stormy night, and lightning danced across the dark heavens. A man named Jake Green roused himself from bed, lumbered down the stairs, flicked on the light, and opened the freezer. He was hungry. He wanted a waffle– he rifled through the frozen packages, pulled out the box of waffles, and turned it over to empty a waffle into his hand.

There was no waffle to be seen.

In surprise, he turned to look around– for what, he didn’t know– maybe just for an explanation– and he saw a boy, crouching on the railing of his balcony out the rain-streaked window. Lightning flashed, and the boy was outlined, just for a moment. He smiled, a glint of teeth in the dark, and in his raised hand– there was a waffle.

Jake called the police. They scoured the town– but the boy was nowhere to be found. He had disappeared.

Years later, the Waffle Thief struck again. Then, however, he was not known as the Waffle Thief– his title would come in later days, when a select group of people had become aware of his existence. He was crafty, evasive– some claimed he was some kind of demon– and whenever he was seen, even for a moment, he inexplicably disappeared before you could utter an exclamation of ‘The boy has my waffle!’

In two-thousand three, the Waffle Thief came to a diner somewhere in the east. The waitress, the only person working there at the time, said later that she had not seen him, not even for a moment. There was a man, two women, and a strangely human-like ape in the diner at the time, but if the man, the two women, or the ape was the Waffle Thief– well, she didn’t know. All she knew was that six of the fourteen waffles were gone in the morning, without rhyme or reason.  A day later a young man was seen sitting in the park with a stack of waffles. Not eating them. Just holding them in his hands, looking down at them. A man named Cliff Richards out walking his dog, who saw the man, said to the authorities later, ‘I didn’t know what to make of it. He was just sitting there– looking down at the waffles. A little smile on his mouth. I waited to see if he’d eat them– but he didn’t.’

There are more scattered, uncertain accounts of the Waffle Thief since then. It was not until this very week, in the northeastern part of Ontario, that he was seen again. Well– not seen. Since Jake Green’s midnight shock in nineteen ninety-nine the Waffle Thief had never been spotted in the act. But once again, waffles went missing– inexplicably, in the night– and we can only suppose it was him.

The demonic Waffle Thief– what is he? Is he man or beast? Fiction or reality?

I suspect we’ll never know.

Keep your eyes open for the Waffle-Thief.


A Note On Today’s Bizarre Blog Entry

Greetings, Blog-Reader. Today you’ve read a very strange account of a very real danger– the Waffle Thief. Okay, maybe it’s not real. But why else would the waffles disappear? Without reason? Out of the blue? Out of thin air!

Sincerely yours… Onceabasementdog.

*Thunder clashes. Ominous music plays. THE WAFFLE THIEF IS IN YOUR BACKYARD!*



2 comments on “The Waffle Thief

  1. This story explains a lot. Totally makes sense now. Phewf.

  2. idiotprufs says:

    I thought everbody knew about waffle gnomes. They sneak into your home, steal your waffles and drink maple syrup straight from the bottle. Disgusting little thongs.

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