My Brain Is A 90s TV Show

Wednesday, June 20th, 2012

Hello to all scratched-out song lyrics, men with eyeshadow and symbols on their foreheads delivering emotionless lines in ridiculously awful sci-fi shows, and never-used golf clubs.

As I was sitting here, wandering about the internet, biting the cold sore on my lip to see if that would get rid of it (it didn’t), I realized something about myself. If you were to take a listen to my thoughts at any point in time, you’d be hearing My So Called Life-esque observances and narratives.

What’s My So Called Life? Well, it was a short-running TV show in the nineties about a somewhat unusual girl in high school.

Um. Ahem. Yes. Look here.

Well, okay– I’m not in high school. I SHOULD be in high school. But I’m not. I’m actually in Solitary Confinement, (no, no, I’m not incurably demented), but, technically, I’m connected somehow to high school. Anyway, getting back to my brain and how it runs like a narrative from My So Called Life. Well, if you’ve ever seen the show, then you know how Angela thinks: ‘ People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is even.’ This is the type of thing that runs around in MY head. You could have fifty thirty-minute episodes’ worth of musing narratives if you wrote down everything that goes through my brain. And I’m not saying HBO should make a TV show based on me or anything. (HBO, why aren’t you listening to me? Do I have to try to convince ABC instead or something? ABC, I understand you also aired My So Called Life. Look no further for the next teenage-drama blockbuster. I’m right here. Right. Here.)

What fueled this blog entry was the thought that drifted through my head a few minutes ago as I stared at the computer screen clicking through other WordPress blogs. I was thinking, It’s funny how everyone on this website has an ‘About’ page. It’s a non-discussed norm in WordPress-world. I wonder if there’s anyone who DOESN’T have an ‘about’ page. Maybe people would think they’re weird.

No lie. This is what I was thinking about. ABC wouldn’t even have to get writers for my TV show. It’s all ready-made.

Anyway. I already know what the theme song will sound like– I already have a bunch of ideas for ads and marketing campaigns. All they have to do is hire some people to play my friends, (because I’m playing myself,  of course.) Do you think Alec Baldwin for the Karate Master? No… that doesn’t make sense.

I’m already wildly off track, so let’s make a list of possible actors for the people in my life.

George Harrison: Woody Allen. (Even though he’s really old.)

Karate Master: Alec Baldwin. (Even though that doesn’t make sense.)

Budding Satirist: Sascha Baron Cohen.

The Mom: Maryl Streep.

The Father: Alec Baldwin. (Yes, that makes more sense.) Alec Baldwin, I hope you don’t mind playing a Chinese kid and my dad at the same time.

Little Girl of Horrors (also known as my little sister): Tina Fey. (She’d do a great impression, I’m sure.)

Glasses Boy: Tony Shalhoub.

So there you have it. ABC, or HBO, or whichever one is going to sign a contract for fifty episodes for the show Onceabasementdog, (airing nine o’clock on Sundays), you’ve already got the whole thing more or less planned out. Also, I want J.J Abrams to direct it and Steven Spielberg to produce it, and go ahead and throw in Arcade Fire every couple episodes just to make it better.

Yours not a toaster but not normal, either, Onceabasementdog.

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One comment on “My Brain Is A 90s TV Show

  1. Why are your friends being played by grandparents? Also, Meryl Streep is a good choice.

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