Archive for the ‘photography’ Tag

The Terrible Teen Section, Part Two

Friday, July 12th, 2013

Hello to all elephants standing on mushrooms, caterpillar men also on mushrooms, and half-eaten bowls of raspberries sitting on my computer desk.
I don’t know if you recall the first time I went over the Terrible Teen Section. It was quite a while ago, and now I’m living in a different part of town and going to a whole different library. However, despite my best efforts, I have been unable to glean any information out of the librarians as to WHY, exactly, no matter where I go I just can’t escape the terrible teen section. It’s like it follows me. I can’t avoid it, it and its horrible books.
Don’t you know what I mean? Haven’t you ever walked around the teen section? All you get are blaring eyefuls of vampire-romance this and kissy-lovey-dovey relationship crap that. I feel like there must be good teen books somewhere, but they’re buried three hundred feet underground in a cave infested with man-eating bats in a treasure chest, and there’s a note that says ‘Only the Worthy Are Allowed Here.’
Honestly.
Because look. I’m tired of crappy books. I go to the library to find worthwhile books, not to gaze helplessly at the cover of “The Vampire Story Where They Make Out In A Valley Every Five and a Half Pages”. I’ve read that one. It’s not so good.
But I don’t know what to do about it. I think the world just needs stricter publishing cridentials, that’s all: like for instance, only publishing books that have at least some semblance of quality to them. If that happened, we’d never run into this kind of monstrosity:

Oh Gawwwd...

I mean WHY!?! Why? Why why why why why why whyyyy? This is the sort of thing that makes me want to find some sand and stick my head in it until I can face the world again, which would probably take quite a while. I just can’t believe people read this sort of thing. Granted, I didn’t actually open the book and read any of it (my brain would have been instaneously vaporized probably), but I can tell, all right, just by that cover. I can tell quite profusely that it isn’t the sort of thing I like to read.
What’s even worse about it was that there was a whole shelf full of these books, all by the same author, with titles that varied in degrees of utter horror. 1 being mild gagging sensations and nausea, 10 being instant vaporization due to exposure to lameness.

And then I saw this thing. At first glance, it doesn’t seem so horrible– and I agree, it isn’t. Until you read what’s over the title.
Hooowwwooooo!!!

Is he a boy? Or… is he… a beast?
Omygawd I don’t care.

Now the last one is the worst, in my opinion. It outdoes Boys R Us in every way– which, I know, you wouldn’t think would be even remotely possible. But it does. There’s just something about it– I think it’s the complete and utter lack of any sort of creativity or originality. Everything about it goes against what I live for, what I fight for, what I would gladly die for, which is the appreciation of good books. Obviously whoever let this get published was not an appreciator. It’s just… it’s just so bad. It hurts me at a profound level. The frilly title, the models on the cover, it all fills me with a sadness I can barely explain. It’s like the worst after school special ever that two fifty year old men in suits think kids will like.
It is…

Everything is wrong with this.

Gah. Bleh.
(That’s the sound of me dying.)
No, but really. I mean, who lets this stuff get published? I think whoever it is, they need to be thrown into the underground cavern with the man eating bats and the treasure chest of good books and left there for a while to regain their wits.
I guess some people just don’t mind as much what they read. But I do. I most certainly do. I am a literature snob who goes around sneakily taking pictures of silly books in the public library and giggling to myself like an escaped lunatic. Maybe the point of all this isn’t that there needs to be less terrible books in the world, but that I need desperately to find something valuable to do with my time.

Oh, well. Such is life. Good-bye, and Blog-Reader, before you go– remember that there ARE good books out there, no matter how scarce, and that among the fields of First Dates and Boys R Uses and Werelings there can be found the shining golden form of something worthwhile to read.
Yours truly as never, mwahaha, ~Onceabasementdog

The Terrible Teen Section

Friday, November 23rd, 2012

Hello to all USB sticks sitting in places where I’ll definitely forget about them, dogs on airplanes, and solar-powered monkeys.

Ah! It’s almost winter again! Don’t you just love winter? What with the holidays and the snow and the ice and the darkness and the NEVER-ENDING FRIGIDITY–

Never mind. I hate Onceabasementdogville. I want to live in a volcano or something. I bet it would be nice and warm THERE.

So, I like libraries. I do. I think I like them because they’re quiet, and familiar, and they always smell like books. (Well, that’s a surprise.) There’s a library pretty close to my house, and I bike there sometimes to peruse the various sections that I find an interest in. Usually I end up gazing blankly at the teen section, trying to decide which book I should take out, My Love Is A Beautiful Vampire, or The Day Everyone Turned Into Robots, solely on the basis of which one looks less horrible. Because, see, the teen section at my public library is an actual hell of paper and ink. I’ve only taken out maybe three good books from that wall of blatant torture, and they weren’t even fantastic or anything. I don’t know why the teen section has to be so horrible, it just is. I still have suspicions about the librarian hiding all the good books from me when I drop by.

Anyway, a while back I took these pictures of some books from the Terrible Teen Section. Assuming they don’t burn out your eyes the minute you look at them, I think you’ll be able to examine them and understand why exactly my faith in literature and human kind in general is plummeting:

Oh, but this is just a taste of the many horrors of the Terrible Teen Section, my dear Blog-Reader!

I almost have no words for this one. But I’ll try. So, you’ve got this invisible boyfriend. And you know, it causes all sorts of complications, I assume. I mean, all the other girls can SEE their boyfriends! But she can’t! Oh my God it’s so awkward!

Next one. It’s almost worse… somehow.

But what does that even MEAN? Is she more real than your average Joe? Or what? I can tell you one thing, though, with absolute honesty:

This is the best title I’ve ever seen.

Now, here’s the last one. Brace yourself…

Audrey, wait!
What? Why? What’s HAPPENING to her?

So, there you have it. If that doesn’t convince you modern teen books are spiralling (apparently literally) into absurdity, I don’t know what will.

Yours semi-truly, only when I’m not making fun of things, (and that’s never), ~Onceabasementdog

Adventures of the Walking Girl

Thursday, August 2nd, 2012

Hello to all quarters on tables, headphones that don’t work anymore possibly because I wore them out in the rain, cats meowing at doors, and flowers in jars.

So, what do you do when you can’t bike? You walk! The same distances that you biked. Which is not necessarily a good idea, because biking is much faster than walking, and much easier, too… and that’s why I was an hour away from home sitting on a bench eating trail mix thinking, I’m going to die before I get back. 

While on my walk, the one I managed not to die on, I took lots and lots of pictures. Later I realized they could be put into a blog entry as a sort of humorous progression following my adventures. My adventures which aren’t nearly as adventurous as you’re hoping. Anyway, it was a mindlessly hot Tuesday, and I went limping out the door…

ImageAnd I took a picture of this thing.

And then I went in the general direction of the river, where I came upon my favorite house in the south end, this lovely building here:

ImageIf I was evil, I’d ring their doorbell and say, “I’m very sorry to tell you this sir but there’s an eons-old monster living in your basement…”

(And then the house would be mine.)

ImageI really like these chairs. I want these chairs.

ImageThis is a really cool car.

Image

This is a really cool car, too.

ImageThe original purpose of my walk was to go down to the river– ahem, right there, actually– and eat the trail mix, Pepsi, and crab apple I’d prepared for lunch. But when I got to the place under the bridge I was going to sit at, there were these PEOPLE there. Fishing. It’s not a very good picture of them (I had to take it quickly while examining the river as if I wasn’t taking a picture of them) but anyway, there they are. Fishing in my lunch spot.

ImageWhile on the search for a new place to eat, I saw this boat. See what it says? How mysterious.

Image

So instead of my under-the-bridge lunch area I found a place under a tree, instead. There were many dog walkers and joggers going by and twice a dog came down to sniff at me and my lunch, thereby scaring the crap out of me twice. Do you know what it’s like, sitting listening to your iPod examining the view and then there’s this FURRY THING next to you? Well, it’s kind of scary. I let them lick my hand anyway. And that’s my lunch, by the way: trail mix, Pepsi, crab apple. I had twenty dollars to buy anything I wanted… and this is what I was eating, for SOME reason…

ImageThis is the book I was reading as I sat there. Never trust a thirteen-year-old-vampire-boy-deals-with-the-troubles-of-adolescence book. Just, really. Don’t. You’ll regret it.

Image

And then I had to leave because the ants were moving in. See the little devil? Grr.

Image

On my way to my picnic table destination, (which was occupied by two ladies, and I wanted to take a picture of them, too, but I didn’t know how it was possible to do so discreetly unless I hid in the bushes or something) a stick threw itself at my shin. I was just walking, and then there’s this stick jabbing into my leg. Note the bandage above it. Why don’t I just throw myself into an airplane propeller and call it a day?

I was going to put in the last picture but it seems impossible. It’s been ‘uploading’ for far too Imagewhat impeccable timing, there it is. I swear I didn’t plan that. Anyway, this is a picture  my iPod took of itself as I was walking. That nicely rounds out my adventures on Tuesday, so I think I’ll sign off now.

Yours truly, (hey! There’s a weird mermaid up there), ~Onceabasementdog.